Never Ending Doubts
by Anonwrite
Summary: After dealing with Walter, Paige, and Veronica throughout the day, Happy has doubts on if motherhood really is for her. Post 3x14


**Note: I got stuck while writing the next chapter of "Believe In Us" and after the last episode this idea popped into my head. So I decided to take a break from BIU and write this, hoping that it would help to unblock my writers block. I really hope you like it and would love to know what you think! Your comments are a great motivation to keep me writing and I do hope to be able to update my other fics soon. Thank you!**

"What a day," Happy grumbled tiredly as she pushed open her front door, "Why is it that every case that's supposed to be easy turns into a life or death situation?"

Toby barked out a laugh from behind her and squeezed her shoulders gently, "Beats me. But to be honest, I was most surprised by Paige today. I can't believe her. Who knew she had that in her?"

"Yeah, damn," she said, flopping down on the couch after shrugging her jacket off, "I never knew Paige could act like that. Remind me to never piss her off," she finished with a light laugh.

"That was definitely a different side of our Miss Dineen than we're used to seeing," he said, walking to the kitchen. "Hey, you want a beer?"

"Yes, please," she said, kicking her feet up on the coffee table to relax. She smiled when he came back in the room, two drinks in his hand. She grabbed one from him and asked, "Are you staying the night tonight?"

He shrugged, "You want me to?"

Happy smirked up at him and then reached up, twisting his shirt in her hand, to pull him down to her level, capturing his lips in a soft, persuasive kiss. "Does that answer your question?" she asked huskily against him.

Toby beamed down at her as he nodded his head, kissing her once more before settling on the couch next to her. He grabbed the remote and started mindlessly flipping through the channels while she relaxed into his side, her head resting against his shoulder. He finally decided on an engineering show that Happy liked to watch, mainly just to critique what was being explained on the show.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Happy spoke up, her voice quiet and thoughtful, "Trying to control Walter today was more difficult than I thought it would be. I sucked at it."

The Doc hummed in agreement before saying, "You and me both, babe, but when it came down to it, you got Walter to do what he needed to do and made him realize it on his own. That's pretty great."

She smiled shyly up at him as he kissed her forehead.

"You know, I probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for you. It didn't even cross my mind to try to help him. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm still not good at the whole EQ thing. I don't have what it takes to deal with people not like me."

"Hey, hey, hey," Toby said firmly, setting down his bottle and forcing Happy to look up at him, "don't say that, Hap. What you did today is something the Happy of three years ago wouldn't have even considered doing. I truly believe that you would've stepped in before things got out of control today, with or without me. You're learning, I'm learning, but that doesn't mean we have to be perfect. There's still a lot we have to learn."

"But-"

He shook his head and interrupted her, "Look at what you did for Sylvester, getting him to be proud of himself and who he is. You did that, sweetheart, not me, not Paige, but you. You may think you still suck at human interaction, but baby, you've come so far."

Happy sighed and laid her head back down on his shoulder, "I know I've learned some, but days like today really make me start to question how much we've evolved to be able to deal with the normals in society. For most of the day, we really blew it, not only with Walter, but even with the foreman. Doc, I insulted him and I didn't even know I was doing it until after."

Toby chuckled lightly, "Well I did nothing to help. I'm a behaviorist and even I couldn't keep the situation under control. So don't blame yourself."

They were quiet again for a few minutes, each stuck in their own heads, with their own thoughts on the day. Normally they loved the silence and comfort that surrounded them in these times - they had never been able to experience that with anyone else before. But this time, a bit of tension surrounded them as they questioned themselves. Eventually though, Happy broke the silence again with a quiet question.

"Are we going to suck this bad when it's our own kid? If we are, then we're going to mess him or her up more than we ever were."

"Stop right there," Toby said, pushing Happy away to look at her so she knew he was serious, "we're going to be awesome parents when the time comes. You in particular, Happy Freakin' Quinn, soon to be Curtis, are going to be one hell of a mom. Don't let Walter make you doubt yourself. He's nothing like our future genius baby will be - god, I hope our future child isn't a condescending, egomaniac jerk like him."

Happy looked down and picked at the label on the bottle in her hands, "But if today's any indication, I'm not ready. I don't know the things to say to calm people down or make them understand. Hell, I can be just as bad as Walt sometimes with what comes out of my mouth. I'm going to mess the whole thing up."

He took the bottle out her hands and grabbed her hands in his own after setting it down, "Don't you dare say that, Hap. We're a team and we work pretty damn well together. We balance each other out, so with us as parents, our future kids are going to be okay." He stopped for a second and then smirked to lighten the mood, adding, "At least as well as can be expected, we are pretty idiosyncratic."

A laugh bubbled out of Happy, she couldn't stop it. They did have their share of quirks and habits, but, if she was honest, part of that was why she loved Toby so much. He made her laugh and smile, he challenged her, and he was always there for her, no matter what. And the quirks he had - like his bedtime ritual or the way he chewed on the end of a pen when he was thinking hard or how he had to play with the ends of her hair anytime they were sitting next to each other - all made her appreciate and love him even more.

At that thought, she leaned in and kissed him gently, silently telling him how she felt. He smiled against her lips and pulled her back into his side when they separated.

"I hate how you always say the right thing," she mumbled jokingly, curling her hand into his shirt to pull herself closer to him. She placed a kiss on his neck and hummed contentedly, turning her attention back to the TV, happy in knowing that Toby was right and the two of them would be able to figure out the parenting thing together when it was time, after they learned more about connecting to the real world. But it still didn't stop a small part of her mind from worrying that she wouldn't be ready or know how to be a good mom.

It wasn't long before she started to let her mind wander again and go over everything they had done that day to see if there was anything they could've done differently. She thought of the man who they had saved and the doubts that ran through her mind at the time, the sinkhole and how they had stopped the fertilizer from getting into the water supply, Veronica and Paige's anger at her, but then her plan to save her, because no matter how angry Paige was at her mom and didn't want her in her life, she still wanted to protect her.

Suddenly, Happy gasped and sat up, turning to look at Toby with worry on her face. He looked at her questioningly and took her hand, his fingers playing with her ring, a nervous habit in his part, but was silent, waiting for her to speak up.

"What if we turn out like Veronica," she said quietly with a lump in her throat, the fear real inside of her, "and do to our kid what she did to Paige? Ignore our kid or use our kid for our own gain. We do con people a lot of the time."

His hand tightened around Happy's, "Yeah, we do con people, for good, not for our own selfish reasons. Come on, Hap, I know we have some personal problems with our pasts, but don't start doubting us now. Do you really think either one of us would do that?"

She sighed and traced the veins on the back of his hand with her free fingers, "No, I don't think that and I'm not doubting us, not us as a couple, but it all just gets me thinking. We both have so many things that we need to work on, to learn before a child comes along. And I do doubt myself, doubt that I will be able to do what I need to do, even though I really want to be there for him or her."

"I agree that we have a lot to work on," Toby said softly, "but we don't have to worry about it right now. We have time to learn. But, Hap, sweetpea, we're never going to know everything. There's no way we can."

"And that's what scares me," she admitted quietly, "I don't think I'll ever really be ready, no matter how much we learn and change our ways. I just have so many doubts about myself."

"Hap," Toby murmured before kissing her forehead, "I think you're more ready to become a mom than you know. And you're going to be great."

She looked up him, disbelief covering her face, "You really think that?"

Toby hated seeing her doubt herself and just wanted to see a smile back on her face, so he did what he knew would lighten the mood, he poked her side and tickled her, making her squirm and giggle next to him. He grinned and then said, "You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready. You're already putting our nonexistent child first."

Happy didn't know what to say, so she gave him a small smile - she had a hard time accepting that she would actually know what to do, even if Toby was completely certain she'd be great. Toby, who was able to tell Happy was still doubting herself, tugged her onto his lap and kissed her sweetly.

"Believe me, Hap, you're awesome at everything you do."

Chewing the inside of her cheek, she continued to let Toby's words go through her brain. Would she be able to do it? Even with all of her doubts and fears? She wanted to believe Toby, she really did, but when it came to caring for others, she still doubted herself; with the exception of what had happened the past couple of years or pulling people back from going down the rabbit hole, she never had to think about anyone else but herself, so when it came down to it, could she do it without anyone having to remind her what to do?

She shifted to straddle his lap, letting herself get momentarily distracted as she smoothed her hands over her fiancé's chest, feeling the muscles underneath that were firmer than one would expect. She had come to know every muscle of his very well, but, no matter what, she couldn't help but still find herself distracted by his body when she ran her hands across him and explored his body.

As Toby slid his hands across her hips to settle on her back, Happy leaned in to kiss him, quickly deepening it to try to forget her fears and doubts. After a few minutes, the doubt had only grown stronger and she knew she needed to talk to Toby, not try to push it aside and forget about it. So she pulled back, resting her forehead against his as they caught their breath.

Sliding her hands up his chest, to rest on the sides of his neck, she murmured, "But what if it wasn't nonexistent, Doc?"

Toby stiffened underneath her and pulled back to look at her, a smile of hope on his face, "Hap, are you saying you're-"

Realizing her mistake, she quickly shook her head, "No, I'm not pregnant."

"Oh," he said quietly, looking down in disappointment.

Happy continued to explain herself softly, "I just meant, what if I had actually been pregnant? What would've we done? Look at us, we're both broke and struggle daily to fit in with the rest of the world. We can barely take care of ourselves, let alone our boss, as seen today, or another person. That combined with our inability," she cleared her throat, " _my_ inability to know what to do in emotional situations, would've made it so hard."

Toby leaned back in and gave her a small kiss, "We would've loved him or her with everything we have in us and tried our best. That's all we would ever need to do. One way or another, as long as we had each other and loved our child, it would've worked itself out."

Happy closed her eyes and remembered the short time she thought she was pregnant. She was scared to death, but excited, more excited for the baby than any other time in her life. She was finally going to get the chance to be a mom, something she never thought she would be. And then she remembered hearing the words 'you're not pregnant' and the overwhelming sense of loss that filled her. Even though the baby had never been real, it still hurt more than any other loss she had experienced in her life. And even though they really hadn't talked about it, she knew Toby felt the same - he had been so excited to be a dad and it broke her to have to tell him they weren't going to be parents. She read it on his face, in his body language, that he was crushed by the news, almost as much as her.

"I wanted that baby, Doc," she said shakily, wiping away a stray tear that had fallen. She blew out a short breath, "God, look at me. I wasn't even pregnant, but I'm still crying over it. I know it doesn't make sense, especially with everything I've been saying, but I really did want it."

Toby gave her a sad smile and hugged her into his chest. She buried her face into his neck and let a few more tears escape. She hadn't cried about the baby since that night she found out there wasn't one. They hadn't even talked about it since that night, her choice, not Toby's. But she couldn't help feeling that maybe they should have.

Toby shushed her softly and ran his hands up and down her back, then said, "I know you did baby, I did too. Just because you're saying now that you're not ready, doesn't mean you didn't want the baby any less, I know that." He kissed the top of her head as she nuzzled further into him, "By believing you were pregnant, it made us think and examine ourselves. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, what it would've been like. That doesn't mean I think I'm ready, I truly don't think anyone is ever ready for a baby."

"I feel stupid for crying," she sniffed, wiping her cheeks as she sat up again, still on Toby's lap.

"No, kitten," Toby murmured, wiping his eyes as well before cupping her face in his hands, "It's not stupid. Even if you weren't actually pregnant, it was still real to us. We still lost something that we had already loved. Just because it wasn't there doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be sad. Hell, every time I see a couple with a baby or a lady who's pregnant, I get sad all over again. I wanted it, babe, and I know you did too. So don't hold back what you're feeling, not with me."

"I'm still sad, Doc," she whispered, fiddling with the collar of Toby's shirt, "I still feel that loss."

Toby pushed the hair that had fallen from her ponytail out of her face, "Me too."

She sighed and met Toby's eyes, "At the same time, I'm a little relieved. It scared me to death to have someone who'd be solely dependent on us. And then that thought makes me feel guilty."

"It shouldn't, sweetheart," he tried to reassure him, but she ignored him.

"But, damn it, Toby, I wanted to have that baby. I wanted to be a parent with you and raise someone who was part you and part me, but one hundred percent him or herself. To see their personality and find out what he or she was good at, if they had a brain more like mine or yours, or one that was a mixture of us both. Or even nothing like us at all. I wanted to take them to school and pick them up at the end of the day. Show him or her how to change the oil as soon as they were old enough. I wanted to do everything with it that I only wished I could have when I was younger."

"Happy, I want that too. And we'll have it one day, I know we will. We can start trying if you want," he said quietly, moving his hands to her back under her shirt, his fingers gently rubbing circles into her skin.

Happy bit her lip and shook her head no after a long moment of thought. "Not yet," she murmured. She met Toby's questioning eye and cupped his cheek, kissing him briefly, "Not yet, because when I think of it, of having a baby, not only do I still have to get over some doubts, I also don't want to give up my time with you yet."

Toby looked surprised to hear her say that, but surprisingly stayed quiet, letting Happy continue.

Happy laughed lightly at herself and slid her hand to the back of Toby's neck to playing with his hair, the other sliding back down to his chest, "I know, I know, I'm not making much sense tonight. But we're engaged, about to get married, and I just want time to ourselves while we have it; spend some time being husband and wife and not worry about being mom and dad. At the same time, I don't think I'm ready for it yet, even if I do want a baby - and god, I do want a child, badly." She shrugged and bit her lip again, "There are things I'm struggling with daily, the EQ issue as seen today is one of those things. I can't even compliment you when you deserve it and I love you more than anything. And, because of that, I am still scared that I won't be a good enough mom. I need time to get over it, convince myself I can do it."

Toby pressed on her back to bring her closer to him and brushed his lips over her forehead, "Happy, you don't have to worry about those things. We're going to make mistakes, but that's okay. I know you're going to be amazing."

She shifted, pressing her chest against his and smiled at him, for the first time that night looking at ease, "I know you're convinced of that, but I'm not, not yet. But because of tonight, I'm okay with that for now. Talking to you has helped to ease my mind some. But I still want to wait. Just because I'm not as worried, doesn't mean I want to start trying to make a baby anytime soon. Now's not the right time for us to have a baby, but a baby will come one day." She placed a light kiss on his lips, "So thank you for talking to me tonight, for helping me make sense of what's going on in my head. It has helped. I know that some days the doubts and fears will be worse than others, but knowing I have you to talk to does help. I'm just sorry it took me this long to talk to you about it all."

"I'm here any time you need me, sugar lips."

Happy gave him a bright smile, knowing he truly meant that.

"So," Toby began with a smirk on his lips, "if you don't want to be making a baby any time soon, I guess that means we should abstain from tumbling around in the sheets?"

Happy laughed loudly before grinding her hips down on his, a soft moan escaping from her lips, "Oh I don't think so, _sweetie_." She grabbed his face between her hands and kissed him forcefully, teasingly, then mumbled against his lips, "I think we should practice. Have lots and lots of practice."

"Oh, really?" Toby groaned, rolling his head back as Happy moved her lips to his neck.

"Mhmm," she hummed against his neck, nipping the skin over his pulse point, "I finally have my apartment back to myself and we have missed out on some critical practice recently due to my roomie. So we need to play catch up."

Toby laughed and whispered "Yes ma'am" before capturing her lips with his own again. A laugh escaped from her as Toby stood with her in his arms and quickly made his way to the bedroom, just as anxious as her for their night ahead. He laid her down on the bed and crawled over her, a loving smile on his face, the smile making Happy's breath catch in her throat as loved filled her. She reached up and gently traced the lines on his face, still amazed that she had this loving and generous man in her life until she died. She knew they would one day have the family that they both always wanted and for once, the excitement about it was greater than the fear.

"I love you," she murmured, pulling his head down to hers for a soul searing kiss.

He whispered his own words of love when he pulled back, before moving his lips and hands across her body as he began showing her just how much he meant it. And as she and Toby made love that night, she finally started to realize that maybe everything would work out for her in the end and she had nothing to fear. She already had Toby and she did truly believe that with him by her side, she could do whatever she wanted, having a baby and being a mother included.


End file.
